Empathy

Ok, so we have been reading a book about raising resilient kids. The chapter we are currently on talks about having empathy for our kids and the feelings they have. It talked about how often we think we have empathy for how our kids feel...right up until they don't do what we want them to do. Then we just want to make them do what we choose and we don't care about why they feel the way they do.

The example in the book was about a child who would not go to bed...he would throw a fit every time it was brought up. (I'm sure that never happens at our house...everyone sleeps like angels). The parents reaction was to punish the child and force him to go to bed, but the situation didn't get any better. Finally, when they dug into the issue and tried to understand it from his point of view, they learned he was having nightmares. The dreams frightened him so badly he was scared to sleep. When the parents approached the problem from the childs point of view they were able to understand what was causing the problem...and then the parents could effectively solve the problem by reading a bedtime story and putting a night light in the room.

So all fo this to say, I think I realized that I am not as empathetic as I should be. Why is Stockton so slow? I don't know, but I really doubt he is doing it just to make us all late to church. Maybe in his eyes he just wants to enjoy here and now and thinks life is so great he is always getting distracted by it. I can at least try to understand it, and realize that his views are important and do matter.

Why does Garrett tease Zander all the time? Why does Conner talk and talk and talk and talk? Why is Megan not eager to go outside herself to meet new people? I really don't know the answers to these questions, but Amy and I are trying to make a real effort to understand the fears and joys and struggles of our kids before immediately punishing their behavior. Easier said than done, but we'll see how it goes.

Last thought...Zander has to have control of everything. We can't even pick the spoon he uses to eat his morning cereal. He has to pick his seat when riding in the truck. Sometimes this stubbornness is very frustrating, especially when we are in a hurry and we want him to just do something without asking. But looking at the situation from his eyes...maybe he feels in control of nothing. His life mostly revolves around his brothers and sister...he goes to their games, he waits while they do homework, he gets bullied off the trampoline. So for him, maybe he just needs to feel in control of a few things. And what is wrong with letting him? If he wants to pick a special spoon for breakfast...why can't he? If he wants to wear sandals to go to dinner on a snowy day...we can use all of our persuasive powers to convince him his feet will be cold...but what better lesson than letting him make his own decision, and then seeing what the consequences are.

Our goal is to be more empathetic. If any one out there has a clue how to do that better, share your great knowledge. In the mean time, I will be putting my self in Stockton's shoes and trying to figure out why he thinks putting his name on his homework is a waste of time.