The Cupcakes

It was late Sunday night. We were all whinding down from a long, exciting weekend. I had gotten Zander and Garrett all scrubbed up, and out of the bath tub. I thought I would let the kids have a little creative moment. We had made cupcakes for a Halloween party we had Saturday. There was some extra cupcakes, decoration candies and frosting left. Stockton had been dying to make his own cupcake creation, so I figured I would be a good mom and let them go for it. Stockton, Garrett and Zander each made their own little cupcake masterpiece. They were very proud of themselves and began eating them. I turned my attention the the much needed pantry which required some organization. I was busy at work before I realized I didn't hear any children chatter. I peaked my head out of the pantry only to find the boys missing. I listened for a moment and heard some roars of laughter coming from the bathroom. When I looked down the hall, I could see the bathroom door was closed.... I knew that meant trouble. I hurried down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The laughter stopped abruptly and I gasped. They had taken their cupcakes and smashed them into each others faces!! I wish I could say I thought it was funny, but there was green, white and orange frosting all over their freshly washed faces. Had I not know what Zander was wearing, I probably wouldn't have been able to identify him as my son. He had chocolate cupcake smeared all over his tiny little face and all down his pajamas. He looked at me, held up his hands, and said "Stockton did it!" With that, I looked at Stockton. He knew he was guilty as his face was also covered in the cupcake mess. I looked at him and said, "What are you thinking?" Stockton looked at me and said, "It was Garrett's idea!" By this time, Garrett was washing his face, trying to get rid of all the chocolate evidence. They were busted and Mom was mad.
I wish I could say that I handled the situation well, but I didn't. I bonked each of them on the head, washed them up and sent them to bed early. They were all so sad. Later, after I had cleaned the pantry and given myself some time to think about it, I realized I probably could have handled the situation better. The kids were having so much fun, they were happy and stopped their good time.... next time, we will have to just go in the backyard and have a cake smashing, pie throwing moment. That really would be a ton of fun!

Empathy

Ok, so we have been reading a book about raising resilient kids. The chapter we are currently on talks about having empathy for our kids and the feelings they have. It talked about how often we think we have empathy for how our kids feel...right up until they don't do what we want them to do. Then we just want to make them do what we choose and we don't care about why they feel the way they do.

The example in the book was about a child who would not go to bed...he would throw a fit every time it was brought up. (I'm sure that never happens at our house...everyone sleeps like angels). The parents reaction was to punish the child and force him to go to bed, but the situation didn't get any better. Finally, when they dug into the issue and tried to understand it from his point of view, they learned he was having nightmares. The dreams frightened him so badly he was scared to sleep. When the parents approached the problem from the childs point of view they were able to understand what was causing the problem...and then the parents could effectively solve the problem by reading a bedtime story and putting a night light in the room.

So all fo this to say, I think I realized that I am not as empathetic as I should be. Why is Stockton so slow? I don't know, but I really doubt he is doing it just to make us all late to church. Maybe in his eyes he just wants to enjoy here and now and thinks life is so great he is always getting distracted by it. I can at least try to understand it, and realize that his views are important and do matter.

Why does Garrett tease Zander all the time? Why does Conner talk and talk and talk and talk? Why is Megan not eager to go outside herself to meet new people? I really don't know the answers to these questions, but Amy and I are trying to make a real effort to understand the fears and joys and struggles of our kids before immediately punishing their behavior. Easier said than done, but we'll see how it goes.

Last thought...Zander has to have control of everything. We can't even pick the spoon he uses to eat his morning cereal. He has to pick his seat when riding in the truck. Sometimes this stubbornness is very frustrating, especially when we are in a hurry and we want him to just do something without asking. But looking at the situation from his eyes...maybe he feels in control of nothing. His life mostly revolves around his brothers and sister...he goes to their games, he waits while they do homework, he gets bullied off the trampoline. So for him, maybe he just needs to feel in control of a few things. And what is wrong with letting him? If he wants to pick a special spoon for breakfast...why can't he? If he wants to wear sandals to go to dinner on a snowy day...we can use all of our persuasive powers to convince him his feet will be cold...but what better lesson than letting him make his own decision, and then seeing what the consequences are.

Our goal is to be more empathetic. If any one out there has a clue how to do that better, share your great knowledge. In the mean time, I will be putting my self in Stockton's shoes and trying to figure out why he thinks putting his name on his homework is a waste of time.

The Fish

Stockton has been working hard on being responsible. For a reward, and for something else to show how responsible he can be, we got him a fish. Stockton was beyond excited! He had something to call his own and to display his ability to care for something. He adored the little fish and continually fed it, cared for it.... he even talked to it every morning. He had the fish for about 1 week and it came time to clean it's bowl. He did everything so carefully, and was proud of his accomplishments as a fish owner. He put the fish in it's proper place and headed off to school. Little curious Zander decided that a fish shouldn't be kept in a fish bowl, actually, we aren't sure what he thought, but he decided to give the fish some freedom. He took the bowl up to the kitchen sink, and poured the entire bowl down the drain, fish included. Ops!
Stockton was quit disappointed, but not angry.... isn't that just like Stockton? He patiently waited for Mom to purchase a new fish for him to care for. A new fish was purchased and Stockton was overjoyed. He decided to keep the fish safe in his room, away from curious little fingers. Stockton got the bowl all ready, tucked the fish into bed for the night and went to sleep dreaming happy fish dreams. The next morning, mom came in to wake him to to get him ready for school. The room was still dark as she woke him up. She then headed to the bowl to see how the little fishy was doing. But to her surprise, she couldn't see the fish any where in the bowl. "Stocks, I don't see the fish?" Stockton hopped out of bed and peered into the empty water. He then turned on his bedroom light and again looked into the empty bowl. Sure enough, there was no fish.... plenty of fresh clean water, but no fish swimming happily about. They looked to the ground, wouldn't you know it, the fish was laying on the floor.... all dried up and motionless. Stockton looked down and saw the fish. He just stared at it for a while and said, "I didn't even get a chance to feed it once. Silly fish, I guess he took a big jump.... his last jump!"

The Jesus Song

Our 3 year old Zander (known on alternate days as either The Holy Terror or The Great Joy) loves music. He sings and dances and attempts to play the piano. Like pretty much everything he does, his singing is always at the top of his lungs. His favorite songs have included Eye of the Tiger, Sweet Caroline and Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. His grandpa is very talented musically, so he must have received some of the genes. It's one of Zanders most endearing qualities, and it is one I should remember when he is pounding on his bedroom door screaming "Let me out!"

Anyway, on Sunday apparently he got tired of singing the same old songs and decided it was time to write his own. He hopped up on the piano bench and began playing (pounding). After a few chords he would scream out "Jesus!" and then start pounding on the piano again...followed by "Jesus!" and a few more beautiful notes...then, you guessed it, "Jesus!". This went on for about 5 minutes. We both laughed and tried to videotape his wonderful song, however as is characteristic, as soon as the camera was on...he didn't want to play along anymore.